A Mummer's Play
In honor of the wedding of
Jonathan Gilbert and Kristin Baldwin
Dramatis Personae
Fool.......................................................Tom Arena Jonathan.................................................Jeff Keller Kristin.............................................Patricia Hawkins Knight in Shining T-Shirt................................Randy Smith Mother Gaia..........................................Elizabeth Stone Dragon...................................................Janet Baker Authenticity Police..............Daniel Schwartz, Brian Wilson et al Doctor DJ.............................................David Johnston Dr. Whom, Philological Busybody..........................Mark Mandel Musician's representative (early)........................Jean Monroe
Unindicted Co-conspirators:
Mary-Anne Wolf, Marilyn Richards, Martha Sullivan, Jeff Keller, Tom Arena, Patricia Hawkins, Randy Smith, ELizabeth Stone, Brian Wilson, Marc Vilain, and Anonymous.
Enter Fool
FOOL
(clearing the space with broom (if possible)
Open the door, and enter in,
I beg y'pardon to begin,
Whether we stand, we sit, or we fall,
We'll do our duty to please you all
ALL ACTORS
(including those offstage)
We are merry actors that travel the street,
We are merry actors that fight for our meat,
We are merry actors that show pleasant play,
Enter the Gilberts! Clear the way!
Enter Jonathan and Krisitin. Jonathan is toting lots of intstrument cases.
If we have time to set this up, he has a large case with nested smaller
cases; the innermost case has a recorder or whistle or kazoo.
JONATHAN
Krisin my rose, my love, my sweet,
Now I am home, my dear to greet,
After rehearsal of tunes unnumbered,
Happy, although with cases encumbered...
Should I endeavor to play you a song
To show all my thanks that to you belong
For sharing my dreams, my hopes, my life,
for being my heart my joy, and now, my wife?
Takes out huge instrument case and starts unpacking
Oh yes. Let's see if my thoughts come to order
as soon as I blow on my tenor recorder..."
(Plays a few notes)
No, no, that's too low. Range should be in the middle.
Perhaps if I try it again on the fiddle?
No, no, love sounds bad from a bow on a string.
Perhaps I can pick.. a guitar's a good thing!
If possible, he unlimbers a guitar or mandolin, and plucks a string.
JONATHAN
No, no I am starting to feel like a moron!
Perhaps all it needs is a beat on the bodhran..
(NOTE: pronounce it boe-ron)
KRISTIN
My darling, I'm breatful indeed for your gift;
a love song would give any new bride a lift
But now that you have come home
from making much music... no need for a tome
or an ode or an epithalamion..no,
(NOTE: eh-pi-tha-mee-lee-on)
I think we should rest, yes, to bed we should go...
JONATHAN
Okay, then, perhaps it's a good idea to keep..
Rested, with sweet dreams and full sleep.
BOTH J & K
(to tune of Seven Dwarves' "Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's off to work we go..")
To bed! To bed! Rejuvenate the head!
A full and deep
Eight hours' sleep
In bed! To bed!
They lie down and fall asleep. The FOOL makes a trumpet-florish sort of
sound (or hums "Reveille"). J & K sit bolt upright startled awake. The
FOOL tiptoes over and drops a tabard over Jonathan's head; it has a
target and the label "St. George" pinned to it.
OFFSTAGE ACTORS
Singing:
Dance, then, wherever you may be
For I am the Lord of the Dance said he
And I'll lead you all, wherever you may be
And I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he.
KRISTIN
What goes on here? What has come to pass?
JONATHAN
I do recognize the scene before us
For this setting is familiar, alas
We're in the Revels Chorus!
KRISTIN
Look at the sign upon your chest
I feel a dread forboding chill
In the mummer's play I remember best
Doesn't St. George get killed?
JONATHAN
If I am St. George, then I must die
With Swords around my meck.
In truth, I'd rather not
If they're as sharp as I expect
I am newly husbanded
With happy hearth and home
Where I should be -- not here--
Reciting this dogeared little poem.
FOOL hands J. his script
JONATHAN
This is the plot?
These are my lines?
The scansion stinks! And the rhymes..!
If this is a dream, who wrote it?
'Tis quite bad- you should note it!
FOOL
'Twas accomplished withoujt our best script writer
*He* was off getting married
It was hard enough getting the muse to come here
Bug off! I've been pretty harried.
What, did you expect Gilbert and Sullivan songs?
They've been dead for a century
Seances won't right rhyming wrongs,
Besides, I don't think they'd give a cent for thee.
We did have a Sullivan writer from afar
Who composed a felicitous ditty
So away with your feathers and tar
She wrote in from New York City!
(Enter knight in shining t-shirt)
KNIGHT IN SHINING T-SHIRT
In comes I..
FOOL
I know you! You're the knight of the woeful countenance!
KNIGHT IN SHINING T-SHIRT
No, I'm the knight of the dreadful consequence (deadpan).
FOOL
Someone of nobel prominence?
KNIGHT IN SHINING T-SHIRT
(coldly)
May I continue?
FOOL
Sorry.
KNIGHT IN SHINING T-SHIRT
Where is St. George, that champion bold?
If his blood is hot, I will soon have it cold.
(sees J. and addresses next lines to him)
If you'd not beheaded be
You must answer this for me
What word is both transitive and intransitive verb
(A riddle that should *you* preturb)
and also both proper and improper noun?
(There! *That's* a knot that will confound!)
JONATHAN
A riddle with answer lexical
'Tis Fortune that sent us this test
No matter it seems quite complexical
For playing with words is what we do best!
KRISTIN
I've an insight from above--
Knight in T-shirt, the word is "love."
KNIGHT IN SHINING T-SHIRT
Not the word I thought to find
But it fits, so I'll not mind
You can live-- enjoy the day
I'll be going, on my way.
Exit knight.
MOTHER GAIA
Usually, Father Christmas would be next
But patriarchal figures have us vexed
So I, Mother Gaia, shall come in now
To punish you for what I can't allow
I give this presentation
by means: conversation-al
promoting conversation-al
FOOL
Causing aggravation-al?
MOTHER GAIA
A credo of yore --
JONATHAN
Mine?
MOTHER GAIA
You chose to ignore--
JONATHAN
I did?
MOTHER GAIA
"Use it up, wear it out
make do, or do without."
A sin committed, by Gilbert most foul,
JONATHAN
*What* sin!?!
FOOL
Did he kill a spotted owl?
MOTHER GAIA
The use, abuse, and causing of refuse!
To wit: A paper towel!
JONATHAN
All this over a rag?
MOTHER GAIA
A rag, a bag, a towel or two
Or three, nay four, there's always more!
Not even separated, nor bundled clean
I accuse you sire, of NOT BEING GREEN!
KRISTIN
(hastily)
That may have been true in the past
But now we're a team, you see
We'll properly sort all our trash
We want to keep saving trees!
From this day forth, it will always be so
Our ecological work will be impeccable
Now, why not bother the WTO?
I think they'd be eminently deckable!
MOTHER GAIA
I'll accept your excuses this time
But I'll be back now and then to check up
Make sure to compost your rinds
Or else I'll be sure to stir heck up.
The WTO is not a bad idea
But I have one much better
To our nation's capital I'll go
With a giant paper shredder
We'll hav enough trash to provide
Toilet paper for everyone
Not even Bush can hide
Don't you think my plan's a clever one?
JONATHAN
Yes, yes, you've captured it quite
We wish you a most pleasant journey
Exit Mother Gaia
Whew, that was quite a fright!
I thought we'd need an attorney!
FOOL
I wouldn't relax, if I were you two--
Here comes trouble, ready to spew!
Enter Dragon, roaring!
DRAGON
A dragon come I. Scaly beast.
By hobby I make knights deceased.
My breath is fiery like a forge.
I seek to fight the knight St. George.
JONATHAN
You seek Saint George. I am not he!
DRAGON
You've got his name-- now fight with me!
JONATHAN
I have no sword, My hands are plain.
DRAGON
But *my* fights are another game.
KRISTIN
I'll clip the Dragon's wins, she shall not fly
I'll disarm her--
JONATHAN
Or else I'll die!
KRISTIN
Me thinks this Dragaon we'll defeat a
Perhaps if we just change the met-ah.
DRAGON
circling and dancing around them
Stand on head. Stand on feet.
Meat. Meat. Meat for to eat.
I am the Dragon-- here are my jaws
I am the Dragon -- here are my claws.
Meat. Meat. Meat for to eat.
I am the Drafon, I am the fire.
I am the pathway to every desire.
Meat, Meat, Meat for to eat.
I am the circle forever complete!
FOOL
carried away by the intense rhythm
Gooooo Dragon!
JONATHAN
Gives fool a dirty look
Whose side are *you* on?
Fool shrugs.
DRAGON
I'll cut him into eyelet holes and make his buttons fly.
I'll roast him up and serve him up, crisp, with home fries.
('Cos dragons like me don't eat mince pies!)
JONATHAN
Great-- an oversized malodorous lizard
To get out of this would take a wizard.
KRISTIN
Not really-- we need a new outlet for its aggression
As a heat source-- there's your new profession!
There are those who can use this warmth that you spew
For Winter is coming, a frosty debut
And you can heat shelters and save needed funds
Which helps the disadvantaged until the Sun
Comes back in the Spring.
What do you say? Will you do this thing?
DRAGON
You know, this idea of yours has class
Helping people is new to me.
I'm tired of being a social outcast
Time to expand my vocabulary.
Please put me in touch with the right kind of folks
Ones who won't mind my dragonly jokes.
Kristin walks the dragon offstage, chatting, as Jonathan wipes
his brow with relief.
JONATHAN
Thank goodness she managed to get that thing off of a me
*Now* methinks could I drink hot coffee.
Enter Authenticity Police, single file. The first one stops suddenly,
and the other(s) bump into him.
AUTHENTICITY POLICE
(together)
In come we, what's all this then?
POLICEMAN #1
(to Jonathan)
Weren't you to meet an untimely end?
POLICEMAN #2
You're St. George, and you know the story
You can't rewrite traditional allegory.
AUTHENTICITY POLICE
(together)
We're the Authenticity Police, bound to keep things accurate
No sense of humor is allowed-- we're told we have a knack for it!
(they sing, to the Policeman's song from Pirates of Penzance)
There are those who wish to knit themselves a sackbut
(knit a sackbut)
And those who play their lap harps out of tune
(out of tune)
And those whose ornaments are merely tacked up
(merely tacked up)
And those who have to wear their modern shoon
(modern shoon)
Our feelings we with difficulty smother
('culty smother)
When pedantical duty is to be done
(to be done0
Ah take one consideration with another
(with another)
Correcting anachronisms is not fun
(is not fun)
They bow.
(to Kristin)
POLICEMAN #1
We must keep our archetypal legends in order
Kristin's done good, but we can't reward her.
(to Jonathan)
POLICEMAN #2
You must die to renew the world
No more dodging that, you churl!
Drops swords over J's head. J collapses.
KRISTIN
O terrible, horrible! What have you done?
You've gone and killed my belov'd Jonathan!
POLICEMAN #1
Sorry ma'am, it was our duty.
Kristin sniffs loudly.
POLICEMAN #2
No need to be so snooty.
POLICEMEN (ALL)
We're finished -- others need us now
We hear Plymouth's used an out-of-period plow!
Exit Authenticity Police.
KRISTIN
How can we be sure he's dead? Maybe he's just resting...
Could the police merely have been jesting?
FOOL
One way to find out -- we'll have to get a doctor!
Help, ho, for a doctor!
Five pounds for a doctor!
JONATHAN
(still dead, from floor)
Ten pounds to keep him away!
Enter Doctor DJ
DOCTOR DJ
In come I, a doctor,
Scrubbed up, as you can see
To be a useful sort of guy
Another PhD!
Examines Jonathan
DOCTOR DJ
Yup he's dead, and that's my diagnosis
No cure for that, you know, so the case now closed is.
Enter Authenticity Police, single file again, with same Keystone cops crashing.
POLICEMAN #1
You're supposed to have pills to cure all ills
The hiccup, the palsy, and the gout
POLICEMAN #2
(to audience)
He's a bigger fraud than the traditional shill
And we've come to throw the bum out!
They drag Dr. DJ offstage.
KRISTIN
puzzling
Can we make him live again?
It is a fearful problem
Is it fair to thwart G-d's plan
Can there be a strategem?
Besides, it seems to me quite selfish
To restore my love to life
Of course I want him back again
I recently became his wife!
But the world's full of injustice,
and unhappiness galore
Instead of raising mone man from the dust, is
It my task the world to restore?
Enter Musician
MUSICIAN
On behalf of all us musical
we beg to you to use all your force
It's left us in one heck of a pickle
For Jonathan's a community resource.
He's a one-man-band of the Renaissance
and plays other idioms too
Pray think of us needy ensembles
We want him restored to life, too!
KRISTIN
This is more a pushing than a leading
But I think that clearness might come
A hint of some sort I am needing--
Or at least a place to start from!
Musician shakes head sadly, had nothing to offer.
(Kristin picks up Bible)
Hmmm.. "In the beginning.." Oh yes. Book of John.
"Was the Word" Aha! "And the Word was with God."
(The writer was Greek, so that hardly seems odd...
But I'm getting off track. Guess I better read on.)
"And the Word *was* God." This stuff is quite good.
The Word made the world, as a good word should.
And it shines in the dark, says this great good book,
And the dark never wins.. So what's the hook?
And what is the word that I need to bring back
My love from his perilous deadly attack?
DR. WHOM
A wandering Philological Busybody, who happened to pass by this room Your situations seem a bit muddy..
Oh, you can call me Dr. Whom.
KRISTIN
We're trapped, you see, in this St. George story
I tried to keep my love from his ending gory
But Fate, assisted by the cops
Who do enforce authenticity
Forced us to toe the story line
and did not show us pity.
DR. WHOM
Hmmmm....
(looks in J's eyes)
The eyes are the windows of the soul,
And this poor soul has been defenestrated
Methink's he's quite up the pole
But there are words not too consecrated
That will revive this chap
Consider the root of inspiration
And consider it well, and mayhap
You'll come to his restoration!
(Examines J's feet)
I have GOOD NEWS!
JONATHAN
(still dead)
You can heal me?
DR. WHOM
No, Even better-- I think these shoes will fit me!
(drops feet)
Well, now that's settled, on to my fee!
JONATHAN
But they're *my* shoes!
DR. WHOM
Fee! I said my Fee! (aside) I'll be back for the shoes.
KRISTIN
(ignores Dr. Whom...)
musing
Fee.. feeling, life-- not death
Expire, Inspire, respire, BREATH
and she breathes on him...
JONATHAN
The spirit moves me to speak, now that it's back in my body
You've done it! Now don't be so meek... 'twas a feat that was quite far from shoddy!
KRISTIN
Yes, well...
shuffle, shuffle
Couldn't anyone have done as well?
It's not as if I had to cast a Spell
Life is breath, as every singer knows
Really, it's no secret of the cosmos.
JONATHAN
hugs her
How can I express my thanks to you?
Perhaps Robbie Burns will help me through:
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till all the seas gang dry.
Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun;
I will love thee still, my dear,.. um, thingy
ALL ACTORS
Now Ladies and Gentlemen, our play has ended
We hope that none have been offended
Now our actors are all dumb
From you, our watchers, praise must come
But before we go away,
we have but this left to say:
To Jonathan and Kristin, now that you're wed
We wish you health, happiness, and long lives well led
Full of music, words, and community
We now celebrate your unity!
HUZZAH
Also try this free pdf e-books:
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